Where I've Been Part of the Time

I've been writing on www.blogger.com. I'm not quite sure why I made the switch. I guess it has been so long since I've been active in the xanga community, few people use it anymore, and I'm a girl who likes to "start things over."

Right now, I do wish xanga were popular again so I could read thoughts from all of my girls and be in near-constant communication with them. If that were the case, I'd be back over here in a second.

But.

I guess it was a little ridiculous to start yet ANOTHER blog.

I do think I need some sleep. Right now.

It seems that writing is just one of those things that is uncontrollable.

I want to write, right now. And I can't. I desire to write for Relevant, and I can't. I have no "new" ideas. I have nothing fresh, nothing earth shaking.

Zach Barker's coach has a no "I can't" rule. Every time he (or anyone else on his team) says "I can't," they are subjected to push-ups. I think that if I did push-ups every time I said, "I can't," my biceps would be something incredible. In Zach's world, there is no "I can't." There is NO "I can't."

I think that might be my newest mantra: "there is no 'I can't.'" I want to do A LOT of things. I want to write for Relevant. I want to be a big part of the youth group at Calvary Baptist Church. I want to create a scrapbook of my wedding and make homemade gifts and make meals for anybody who needs one out of fresh ingredients. I want to live a life of love, and I want to know more and more what that means. I want to be willing to give what I have and change my plans for the benefit of someone else. I want to give up my time and heart. One day, I'd like to live in a house with a big kitchen so that I can feed many people and extra bedrooms so I can house people who need a place to stay. I want to be revolutionary.

I will write for Relevant. I'm going to start by sending in articles for the online version of the magazine and then maybe attempt an article for the print version. This week, while I am in North Carolina with some of the biggest joys in my life, I will work on an article.

And I will write out my dreams and my visions and how I might accomplish them. I will not include the phrase, "I can't."  No one who has ever done great things has had a completely easy time of it. I know that if I do not get over my fears enough to hurdle them, I won't be one of the ones who does great things. And I think it might be more painful to avoid the initial discomfort than to desire to hurdle it my entire life and never do so.

I woke up before six this morning.

There were several factors that went into that. I drank water before going to bed, I was hungry, and I am so excited to let people know what has been going on in my life. (I will probably copy and paste this in the form of a newsletter, as well.)

It's hard to know where to begin my story. But I have given out advice before that says,"Just start writing. Worry about the beginning later. Worry about the end later." I have read that, "there is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a type writer and bleed."

Still, it's hard.

Lately, I have been thinking quite a bit about what Jesus really meant when he said to love people. I want to know what love looks like and how I can learn to love like Jesus did. I have watched related movies and read related articles and books. It seems to me that the love topic is screaming at me from everywhere in bold-faced letters.

I brought this issue with me to Harvey Cedars. I discussed it with many of kids. (This week, though, I've taken to calling them my babies.) It seems that some of them have thought about issues related to love before, and they have some really good ideas about about how they could live that out. But I heard words that I have heard before (in my own mind), and those were,"I don't know if I can pull it off. I don't know if anyone will be into it. I have already neglected to do it, and now I just feel terrible."

I have believed lies, and my kids have believed lies. The "I can't, I don't know how, I'm not good enough" lines are LIES. I did believe in spiritual warfare previous to this week, but this week, I could see it. I became so much more aware of it, and it was terrible and exciting and scary at the same time. I felt a steady tug back and forth from good to evil, good to evil for much of the week.

I shared with my girls a "secret" that I had previously kept from them: I have a chicken heart. I don't let them know that, and I don't act like it because there are times when I have to do or say things that I don't want to or that I know they don't want to hear. And for me to back down and say that I don't want to, or I'm too scared, or it's too hard would be unloving towards them. The things that are the most loving are sometimes the hardest things to do.

The things that are the most loving are sometimes the hardest things to do. I'm a naturally shy person. I want to know my (hundreds of) neighbors, but I don't want to jump the initial hurdle to do it. I had to speak up this week about something that was going on that shouldn't have, and it was HARD. I cried a lot that day. I have lots of ideas, and my kids have lots of ideas. But we have hills to climb over before we can accomplish them, because we've never done those things before.

But if we do those things, if we nurture the passion we feel in our hearts to genuinely pursue loving people, then our youth group will be revolutionary.

The definition of love found in the dictionary just isn't enough. Let's instead define the word, the idea, the action as Jesus did.

Currently Watching My So Called Life DVD Mini Set (Volumes 1,2 &3) see related

i do still believe in xanga. but i get so wrapped up in everything, and i forget to update the world. i don't mean that that is a bad thing. i think that it is better to be living than to be watching it being lived. sometimes, the internet world can do that. sometimes it can be something great, though.

the internet lets me stay in touch with my my youth group, my friends, and my family who otherwise i might not have a lot of contact with. the internet is my my wedding planning lifeblood. and i do think it is important to use journalism as a kind of catharsis.

which is why i'm starting a "journal" for the my youth group kids. a mini "relevant" for all those kids i miss so much and love so much. they've got talent. i've seen some of it, and some of it i haven't seen. but it's there.

i read donald miller's books. every one that's been out. (there's a conference that he'll be at in new jersey, and i'm thinking about going for at least one of the days, if i can justify spending the money.) he's brilliant. i drink his books in.

there's a reason he's so good: he's honest. he tells things like he sees them. write, wrong, indifferent, he lays his thoughts on the table. not too afraid of what others might think to publish what's been on his mind, what's he's learned, and how he's learned it. and when i say this, i'm not trying to demean donald miller, but i think that anybody who wants to can do what he does.

anybody can write what they've learned. any one can tell a story. any one can be that honest. it's tough stuff, though. all pretenses and masks and all the ways you'd like your friends to see you have got to be stripped away. but it can be done.

which is why i'm starting this journal. so that other kids can benefit from the things you've learned. i've made some mistakes in my life and then helped other people out who were or could have been in my same situation. i have also learned other lessons the easy way, by observing people, and learning from the choices they made. i really like the idea of that kind of honesty and trust that allows us to benefit from each other's experiences.

of course it requires humbleness on all sides. a willingness to forget pretense. real love and a willingness to say "i'm wrong."

i'll let you know how it goes, but this is one of my favorite projects lately.

in general, people disappoint. i mean, we all know that human beings aren't perfect (including us) so of course they're going to disappoint. and i know that, but i feel a little hurt.

i should probably delete "a little."

there's something cool about this whole thing, though. besides the obvious. (which is that God doesn't disappoint, and i'm really looking forward to falling asleep in his arms tonight.) that is that there are people who prove themselves to you so many times that you can't remember times that they've disappointed you.

(like tim and katie tonight.)

and really, i don't have much more to complain about. some times i do find things, but they're not actually worth complaining about.

i think that complaining might diminish quality of life.

and i enjoy life. specifically, mine.